I've always wanted to see a psychiatrist. Ever since that one episode of Animaniacs, with the Warner brothers and sister seeing that "Pee-see-ky-atrist". Always wondered what they would make of my own mind. Heaven knows, I often wonder if I'm sane at all at times.
I basically have 2 versions of myself I use in public. The "quiet" guy, who would just sit there, a glazed look on his face, lost in his own world, smiling only feebly at people when he was addressed. I usually use persona that in front of strangers, like new classmates. Sure, some people would find this silent person interesting, and try to get through to them. But the "quiet" guy, ever skeptical about the intentions of these people, would always try to back away from them. He suceeds with some of them, losing possibly good friends in the process. This guy usually pops up whenever I get depressed, which I must add, is getting more frequent.
Then there is the "cartoon" guy. He usually pops up when I'm in a good mood and surrounded by people I know and love. He's talkative, interested in everything around him, a joker with a plethora of lame jokes, a very sociable person (believe it or not) and just flat-out crazy. Some find him weird, some find him charming. This guy, I swear to God, nearly got me a few girlfriends. The reason I still don't have one is because here, the skeptical trait of the "quiet" guy creeps in, and I back out at the last moment. I try to use this persona every day, but the world being what it is, and me being a natural pessimist, I can't help but let the "quiet" guy take over, even for a few minutes.
But whatever persona I use, some traits of mine remain the same. I'm dopey, a blur-toad and a little slow on the uptake. See, I may have just said the same thing three times! It's my need to impress people, my need to repent for the horrible mistakes I made regarding my social life in the past. But I still cannot get myself over the teases, taunts and outright bullying I endured in Primaries 1 to 3. I think from then on, I have always treated new people with a little apprehension. "Are they going to like me? Are they going to make fun of me? Call me names? Oh God, I better not risk it, I have to stay away from them!" All that really came to a head when the teasings reached a vindictive high, my attention span mysteriously dropping which lead to a near-catastrophic fall of grades, and a damn tuition teacher which went too far in disciplining me for the aforementioned attention span drop that led to me having a hatred to anything to do with tuition.
It may be ten years ago, and it may seem nothing to some of you, but honestly, I don't think my confidence and self-esteem ever recovered from that year on. From one of the best students to a mediocre one. Thank God my English actually improved after all that, or I may have ended up somewhere worse that Yusof Ishak Secondary School. (No offense, YISS, I still love you! :D)
After reading that article of parents using hypnotism to improve their child's minds, and more recently, Wigan Athletic using hypnotism to help their players reach an unbelievable 2nd place in the English Premiership, I'm considering begging my parents to send me to Woodbridge or wherever pronto. Does it really work? Does it have scientific merit? Hell if I know. But after the last few months of harboring very bad thoughts (of the bloody variety), I'm willing to give it a shot.
Anything's better than another day with the knowledge that the Internet may be my only hope of getting more friends.
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