You know, I once considered jumping on the MRT tracks.

Personal history time: June Holidays 2002. BBQ with students from YISS 4E3 & 4E5. Germany Vs Saudi Arabia was playing on TV. I was sitting on one spot eating my plate of rice. Faryn sat next to me. At this time, she was just someone I saw at school occasionally. She was crying. I asked her why. She said, "I don't know, I just feel like crying."

That's how I feel now. I'm crying and I'm not sure why. Of course, everything has a reason, and I guess my reason is that I'm being bogged down by all my problems and I'm carrying it all alone. It's at that point when I just don't care about anything anymore.

Problems:

Poly Life - It's tough, tougher than I imagined. Work here, projects there, chaos everywhere. But I get by fine.

Family Life - I am honest-to-god trying to be nicer to my sister. But we are two completely different people and it's hard. But I suppose I should be thankful that there is someone in my house I could talk to for help, even if I don't ask for help that often. There is my father, and I suppose I could talk to him, but frankly, he's still a little timidating. And Mom, she's a nice lady, but I just don't like having a personal talk with her.

Social Life - And here we have my #1 problem. My dad is right, I live too much in my own world. While I go and make myself happy, I ignored all those good kind people who wanted, who actually wanted to make friends with me. And in my own naive way, I pushed them away. By God, a Sec 4 girl once approached me and offered to be my friend because she felt sorry for me always eating my Mee Soto alone. This was in Sec 2. Now, for some reason, I just can't click with my classmates. Sometimes I just feel like they're ignoring me. That's my fault too, I should have gone out of my way to interact with them instead of sitting by myself. And for some godforsaken reason, I find myself wanting to have more female friends than male friends. Not because I want to have a steady girlfriend, but because...you know what, I don't know, I just don't know. I know I have a core group of friends. The friends I made in Sporst Camp. The Floorball team. Faryn, Ernie, Millie, Monica among others. But all of them have other groups of friends. In the end, I'm left alone, eating my Mee Soto.

Man, do I sound whiny or what? Anyway, my little rant has done its job. I feel a little better now. And a little hollow. And a little lonely. There's this wrestler. His gimmick is that of a person who doesn't care about anything at all, even himself. All his previous problems have left a cold soulless man who feels useless. What use does he have in this world? Go out to the ring, hurt someone, leave and continues living an empty life, alone. I do not want that life.

And please, guys, if you want to lecture me, like say "Do something, go out there and make friends", don't. I didn't write this to get lectures. I did it to lighten my heavy emotional load.

I'm happy about one thing though: My sister just asked me what's wrong. She did it like in typical Ili style, meaning she did it half-sarcastically, but she did it. She rarely does that. And one more thing: Sometimes I do wish I'm not her brother. Not because I hate her, but because I keep thinking I've failed in my duties as her big brother, and she deserves someone better.